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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Attention Ladies

Ok men, now that I have your attention I'd like to address a problem we guys have when it's really cold outside yet we go out riding anyway. If we under dress downstairs those that have fallen victim to what I can only describe as FPS, or Frozen Penis Syndrome, know just how ungodly uncomfortable and painful it is. For everyone else, basically what happens is that when your body gets cold, it pulls blood away from the extremities into to the core to keep all the vital organs warm and fully functional. (I'm sorry, but according to the body, the penis is NOT a vital organ - though I know plenty of men who would beg to differ).

My weather feature in my taskbar told me that it was a balmy 37 degrees when I left for my ride. Fine. I dressed accordingly, or so I thought. The ride out was great. It was into the sun and while my toes were a little cold, the wool socks did their job. The problem occurred when I had to turn around and head back...into a headwind and with the sun at my back. Suddenly, the cold toes were a problem and FPS started setting in, and yes, it was VERY uncomfortable. So, with about 3-4 miles left in what was supposed to be an only Z2 ride, I cranked it into Z4 to try and get warm, or more specifically, thaw my privates. It kind of worked, but not to the degree that I was hoping and I wound up having to warm it up with my hands before blasting it with hot shower water. If you think it hurts just being cold, try blasting it with hot shower water first without trying to slightly warm it up first. I guarantee that you have not yet experienced pain quite like that. Warming up first is incredibly important. You have been warned.

Naturally, holding one's groin in one's office is bound to draw attention (because of course strutting around in Lycra and cycling shoes doesn't) and sure enough, one of my (male) coworkers noticed and knew exactly what happened (he's a cyclist) and mentioned he uses a wash cloth for extra insulation. Genius, sheer genius.

Who knew a wash cloth could actually be useful. So, be safe out there men, wear protection. Aka, a washcloth.


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  2. See...that is why I don't triathlon. I don't want to be getting FPS down there in my man-business.

    - Jason