How I Wish to be Awoken: An open letter to my dogs

Dear Bajan and Luna,  (think Cajun with a "B")

There seems to be some confusion as to when and how it's appropriate to wake me up in the mornings. This letter is an attempt at defining those rules and guidelines.

I realize you are both Labs and thus, by definition, blood, genes, breeding, whatever, you guys love food.  However, it is never acceptable to wake me up early because you are hungry....ever.

It is especially inappropriate to wake me from a deep, REM-filled slumber at say, 4AM, with the sounds of gagging followed by the liquid slushing sound of stomach regurgitation.  And when that regurgitated matter consists of mainly consumed dog poop from the back yard (the reason you probably puked to begin with) and it's putrid stench fills our room, you should know that it's only out of my undying love for you (because you keep my feet warm when you sleep under my desk) that I don't make you rue the day you were born.  The fact that the vomit contains bits of last night's dinner and some blades of grass as well, does not get you off the hook.

It is likewise both inconsiderate and blatantly obnoxious to wake me up at 4AM with the lovely sounds of retching to the point where I actually think you're dying.  And when I, in my sleep-induced stupor shove you off of our new bedroom carpet and onto the hardwood floor it is not out of anger, but rather the desire to not have to spend an hour scrubbing and vacuuming up the stench of regurgitated poop vomit.  However, I do appreciate it when you don't actually vomit but rather only cough up some blades of grass, which are most easily cleaned - especially off the hardwood floors.

Words cannot even begin to describe the level of detestability when, nary an hour or so after the previous vomit attempt you wake up the entire neighborhood with your maniacal barking due to a squirrel blundering accidentally into our yard via the top of a fence.  Normally I would find it rather humorous as you dance between the trees hoping for a glimpse of the chattering rodent now berating you for scaring the bejeezus out of him.  Additionally, it is normally quite humorous to watch you slink away from the trees and stand just far enough away to let the squirrel think you are gone only to pounce when he dares climb down the tree trunk.  I say normally because at 5AM, nothing is funny.  Not even your squirrel-induced antics.

So please consider this a notice, if you will, of what is acceptable behavior in our house and what is not and refrain from doing the above ever again.

Sincerely,

Master